덧문을 열어줘 (20090410)

새로운 도시는 아직도 나를 거부하는 듯 했고
이상하고 설득되지 않을 듯한 풍경은 마치 내가 없는 듯 어두워졌다.
가장 가까이 있는 것들 조차도 내가 그들을 이해하는지 신경쓰지 않았다.
골목길은 가로등까지 찌를듯 이어지고 있었다. 너무도 낯선 풍경이었다.
저쪽에 보이는 방 하나, 따뜻하고 깨끗한 등불이 켜져있었다.
난 이미 이곳에 함께있는 듯 했다.
그들은 그걸 알았고, 그리고는 덧문을 닫았다.

위대한 밤 - 라이너 마리아 릴케 (아래 굵은 글씨)

 

낯선 도시. 따뜻한 등불이 보인다. 어쩌면 난 그들과 함께일지도 몰라. 몸 기댈곳 없는 차가운 도시에서 흘러나오는 따뜻한 등불. 그들과 내가 하나임을 생각한다. 혹시 날 반겨주지 않을까. 낯선 풍경, 외로움, 소외감, 고향상실, 이방인. 그 모든 차가운 것들이 소실되어가는 것 같던 그 순간. 발걸음이 밝혀진 불빛을 향한다. 저런, 안돼. 마주친 눈빛은 차가워지고, 그들은 그걸 알고 덧문을 내려버린다.

그런 것이지. 뭘 기대한걸까. 산다는건 몸은 더 차가워지고, 열려있는 덧문 따위는 굳게 닫혀야 하는거야. 하루하루 닫는 법을 배우지. 사람사이의 체온이란 느낄 수 없어. 그저 우린 걸어닫은 덧문으로 마찰할 뿐이지. 소외는 우리들에게 본래적인 것. 알고있잖아. 

그래도 친구. 제발. 덧문을 열어줘. 내가 가고 있잖아. 

너의 숨이 부드럽게 내 얼굴에 다가오도록, 네 웃음이 나의 마음에 들어오도록 말야.

Die Große Nacht - Rainer Maria Rilke

Oft anstaunt ich dich, stand an gestern begonnenem Fenster,

stand und staunte dich an. Noch war mir die neue

Stadt wie verwehrt, und die unuberredete Landschaft

finsterte hin, als ware ich nicht. Nicht gaben die nachsten

Dinge sich Muh, mir verstandlich zu sein. An der Laterne

drangte die Gasse herauf: ich sah, dass sie fremd war.

Druben - ein Zimmer, mitfuhlbar, geklart in der Lampe -,

schon nahm ich teil; sie empfandens, schlossen die Laden.

Stand. Und dann weinte ein Kind. Ich wusste die Mutter

rings in den Hausern, was sie vermogen -, und wusste

alles Weinens zugleich die untrostlichen Grunde.

Oder es sang eine Stimme und reichte ein Stuck weit

aus der Erwartung heraus, oder es hustete unten

voller Vorwurf ein Alter, als ob sein Korper im Recht sei

wilder die mildere Welt. Dann schlug eine Stunde -,

aber ich zahlte zu spat, sie fiel mir voruber. -

Wie ein Knabe, ein fremder, wenn man endlich ihn zulasst,

doch den Ball nicht fangt und keines der Spiele

kann, die die andern so leicht an einander betreiben,

dasteht und wegschaut, - wohin -?: stand ich plotzlich,

dass du umgehst mit mir, spielest, begriff ich, erwachsene

Nacht, und staunte dich an. Wo die Turme

zurnten, wo abgewendeten Schicksals

eine Stadt mich umstand und nicht zu erratende Berge

wider mich lagen, und im genaherten Umkreis

hungernde Fremdheit umzog das zufallige Flackern

meiner Gefuhle -: da war es, du Hohe,

keine Schande fur dich, dass du mich kanntest. Dein Atem

ging uber mich. Dein auf weite Ernste verteiltes

Lacheln trat in mich ein.

Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems, 1913-1918;

The Vast Night - Rainer Maria Rilke

Often I gazed at you in wonder: stood at the window begun

the day before, stood and gazed at you in wonder. As yet

the new city seemed forbidden to me, and the strange

unpersuadable landscape darkened as though

I didn't exist. Even the nearest Things

didn't care whether I understood them. The street

thrust itself up to the lamppost: I saw it was foreign.

Over there-a room, feelable, clear in the lamplight-,

I already took part; they noticed, and closed the shutters.

Stood. Then a child began crying. I knew what the mothers

all around, in the houses, were capable of-, and knew

the inconsolable origins of all tears.

Or a woman's voice sang and reached a little beyond

expectation, or downstairs an old man let out

a cough that was full of reproach, as though his body were right

struck-, but I counted too late, it tumbled on past me.-

Like a new boy at school, who is finally allowed to join in,

but he can't catch the ball, is helpless at all the games

the others pursue with such ease, and he stands there staring

into the distance,-where-: I stood there and suddenly

grasped that it was you: you were playing with me, grown-up

Night, and I gazed at you in wonder. Where the towers

were raging, where with averted fate

a city surrounded me, and indecipherable mountains

camped against me, and strangeness, in narrowing circles,

prowled around my randomly flickering emotions-:

it was then that in all your magnificence

you were not ashamed to know me. Your breath moved tenderly

over my face. And, spread across solemn distances,

your smile entered my heart.

(trans. Stephen Mitchell, from The Selected Poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke, 1989)